Norman Rockwell did a pretty good job of showing just what the American Thanksgiving tradition should look like. In one of his most famous pictures, Grandpa looks on while Grandma sets an enormous turkey before him. Around the table generations of smiling family members await the moment when Grandpa will pick up the carving knife and begin the annual feast. It’s an image we know as Americans whether we have seen the picture or not, and we aspire to re-create it each year when our families gather and begin a celebration of abundance.
But in reality, it isn’t always like that. When I was in school abroad, I had Thanksgiving dinner in a swanky hotel restaurant. I’d saved up my British pounds for the special meal but was the only person in the restaurant aware that it was an important holiday and a time for turkey and cranberries; in London they couldn’t care less about an American tradition, but I was able to have a lovely baked Dover sole.
I shared this story with my friend, Ann, who laughingly told me she hasn’t had a traditional Thanksgiving since she’s been married. Her three middle- and elementary school-aged kids have never shared Thanksgiving with their dad. In Wisconsin Ann is known as a “hunting widow,” and there are women all over the state who nod and say that their life is the same. The men in their families are not sitting at the head of the table ready to carve a turkey on the Thursday holiday afternoon; they are sitting in a tree stand covered in blaze orange and waiting for a big buck to wander past. The women who share these stories at first seem subdued, but then a little smile creeps across their lips. They love it! Hunting widows relish the Thanksgiving holiday as a chance to gather with women friends, shop at wine sales and enjoy a week off from having their husbands at home.
At church I asked a friend who has traveled extensively if she has had any Thanksgivings that weren’t exactly “traditional.”
“Well, I’ve never had a Norman Rockwell experience,” Ruthie laughed. “I’ve had Thanksgiving in Venezuela three times, and the hardest part was finding the turkey!”
Her husband’s job had taken them to South America for three years where they celebrated with American expats and people from other countries who were interested in the tradition.
“Non-Americans are intrigued by the holiday because it isn’t religious and doesn’t require gift-giving,” she explained.
Twice Ruthie spent Thanksgiving in Copenhagen with her husband, a fan of pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, pumpkin pie filling is hard to come by in other countries, so he tried unsuccessfully to sneak a can through airport security on his way to Denmark. After a long explanation to the airport staff, he was let go – without the can of filling. Fortunately, there was a sign hanging in the Denmark airport advertising a shop that sold American foods. After a long train ride, a subsequent subway ride and a lengthy walk, Ruthie and her husband found the tiny shop. In it, there was one small shelf that contained mostly Pop Tarts – what must they think of American cuisine? – and a can of pumpkin pie filling. In Denmark, Ruthie explained, finding turkey was the easy part.
Pumpkin pie is, indeed, an important component of the Thanksgiving meal. In our home we have two different kinds. My mother prefers the old-fashioned variety, but my daughters have been turned on to a cream cheese type that is equally delectable. And pie isn’t the only dessert on offer. In years past, I have been invited to share Thanksgiving with close friends who recognized how difficult it was to be thousands of miles away from my California and Vermont family members. They took me in as one of their own, and when a birthday fell right on Thanksgiving Day, the birthday girl’s father and I spent hours creating a turkey-shaped birthday cake. We dipped cookies in melted orange-colored chocolate to make tail feathers and used an ice cream cone for a decorative hat. The masterpiece was ultimately presented with more fanfare than the poultry centerpiece had received.
Barb, a retired university professor, told me that she was surprised to find how many people are alone on Thanksgiving. In the first year after her divorce, she invited displaced students to her home to celebrate the holiday together. The students were displaced by distance that precluded their going home for a long weekend, so they joined together to become a family with whom they could share the holiday tradition.
Military service sometimes forces people to be apart at holiday times, too. Around the globe, American service people pull together on Thanksgiving to honor the holiday while their families at home lean on one another and create a new kind of family that celebrates with an empty seat at the table and waits for another year.
My daughters and I were invited to have Thanksgiving at the house of a Canadian family several years ago. The family had lived in the United States for three years at the time and was happy to share their traditions with us. Kady sewed turkey-shaped placemats, and her kids made decorative place cards. We talked and laughed and ate until we were stuffed. They had adjusted to our feasting tradition just fine.
“We celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada, too, but we do it a month earlier,” Kady clarified. “But this Black Friday thing? We definitely don’t do that!”
Ah, yes…the holiday tradition of shopping. In other countries feasts are shared in honor of the harvest, and celebrations are held in which gifts are exchanged. But is there any other country in the world where people cap off their holiday with a revered day of shopping? And Thanksgiving wouldn’t be complete without someone falling asleep in front of a football game – another sacred institution.
But shopping, football, feasting and hunting are secondary to the true tie that binds this holiday tradition together. Deeply tucked in between the Black Friday ads, reclined barcaloungers, recipe cards and hunting gear is the magic that keeps us celebrating this annual feast. Norman Rockwell captured one part of it in his painting, but he couldn’t encompass it in its entirety. Rockwell depicts family, the element that glues us together and packs the airports during Thanksgiving weekend, but family isn’t limited to the people who share a gene pool. Family includes all of the people with whom we share laughter, love and life. At Thanksgiving we honor the people who came before us and treasure those who have held our hands when we have faced life’s biggest challenges and enjoyed its smallest pleasures. It is said that we can’t pick our family, but the people who open their hearts and share themselves with us become a treasured kind of family that can be as strong and reliable as any genetic connection. At this time of year – no matter where we are – we welcome the excuse of a harvest feast to celebrate family – however we define it. What a tradition!
